this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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