I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
