You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
