He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
