Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You made out with two different species that night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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