Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
