I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she smelled like a LAN party
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
