It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just gargled with NyQuil
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
