I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
