Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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