I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
