hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
