I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
