I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
