she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
