Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
