if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
