Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
