i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
