I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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