I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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