There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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