Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
