I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
