I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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