we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
