dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
