It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
