i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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