i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
