my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
