just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
