I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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