How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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