We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
