remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
