Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
