and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
