just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
