I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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