What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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