He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
