The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Im part way to drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
