Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
