I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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