Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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