I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
