I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
is wine microwaveable?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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