I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
