Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
